xX Funny quotes part 2...Xx

Hey guys, what's up? Today we will be picking up from yesterday's topic. Yes! It's funny quotes. Now, let's get on with the show.

1. Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.

2. I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.

3. The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline luggage.

4. First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me.

5. A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

6. A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

7. My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far I’ve finished two bags of M&Ms and a chocolate cake. I feel better already.

8. Dogs have masters. Cats have staff.

9. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

10. Why do people say “no offense” right before they’re about to offend you?

11. I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.

12. By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll become happy; if you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher.

13. I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

14. The best way to lie is to tell the truth . . . carefully edited truth.

15. Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

16. The only mystery in life is why the kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

17. Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

18. A bargain is something you don’t need at a price you can’t resist.

19. If at first you don’t succeed . . . so much for skydiving.

20. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

21. If you steal from one author, it’s plagiarism; if you steal from many, it’s research.

22. If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

23. How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

24. God gave us our relatives; thank God we can choose our friends.

25. A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, “At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas.”

Guys...this..is..genius! I laugh so hard I can't even remember what I was about to say. Oh. Nevermind. I remember now. Okay, my favorite was #6, #10, #14, #17, #20, and #22. Lolz.. I really love funnies. Kay, so now I'm afraid that's all I have to present. So.... bye.